Ok, so it's been like 8 months since I've written.. or something that.. and um.. I guess I'm back. My fucking eating disorder took over and I've been isolating.. whatevs. Soo I'm a fat fuck now. Somewhere between 160 and 170.. yeah because when it came back it came back kicking and screaming. It said:
ya know what? you wanna try and fight me?
you wanna eat? you wont let me control you?
well here
eat a donut stick
eat a bag of chips
eat an ice cream
go out to eat 50 times a week
eat some fried food
eat steak
drink a slushy
eat pork
eat rice and potatoes and cake and pie and pasta and butter and sugar and bread and bagels and cream cheese and cookies and chocolate and corn and shit
FUCKING EAT IF YOU WANNA EAT WHATEVER WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO!
So yeah that's how it went down for the past 8 months or whatever. All the things I didn't allow myself before I have been eating, barely exercising..what's a vegetable?? And I'm pissed off that I'm fat so I decided to play my little controlling mind games.. I went to Shyra and pretended like I was restricting. and begged her to let me only eat 2 meals a day and she said how bout 2 meals and a snack.. so i was like fuck yeah. i only have to eat 2 meals and a snack! I'm gonna lose mad weight. yeah baby! woo hoo! What I forgot was that ED is a fucking powerful little asshole and he has his tight ass fucking vice grips on me so even if Shyra says I only have to eat a little bit ED still says i have to EAT LIKE A FUCKING FAT ASS BITCH MOTHER FUCKER WHO CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK SHE WANTS.
So to say the very least, I have been eating way more then 2 meals and a snack the past few days that I have started this whole program shit again. I just want to work the steps. Everyone says how amazing they are and how their lives have changed and whatnot, I want the promises to come true in my life, I want to be happy, joyous and free but I can't because I cannot be sober. I can't hold a meal plan for 90 whole fucking days. I just can't. They're so out of my reach it doesn't seem fair. I need to find a meal plan that is actually attainable and I can breeze through 90 days no problem.
The reason I am blogging today though is because Shyra told me to journal about the conversation we just had over the phone. I wanted to read today, I thought it was just going to be just a normal reading and discussing conversation but she immediately picked up that something was wrong and I told her that I felt fat and lazy and depressed and we talked about why and she that I was indeed binging which is not what I wanted to here, I wanted to here no hunny you are fine, it just feels like binging because you are used to restricting. Fuck that shit. I'm a normal healthy girl. Leave me alone. Just kidding. I don't fucking know.. I don't know if I will ever truly accept the fact that I have an eating disorder. I still don't think I do. I mean maybe.. idk
Oops, kinda chased a rabbit there.. anyways soo we came to the decision that I would eat 3 meals and a snack to be sober and I have the option to eat another snack if i want to.. the problem is my ED has two faces and is also afraid that I'm going to get fat.. I think he just doesn't want to do whatever I say I want to do.. soo idk whats gonna happen today.. I haven't really followed any sort of structured eating today so maybe I will just try my best today and officially start tomorrow, I have no idea how many days I have now.. it really doesn't matter though. I've learned not to care about the days anyways. if I let them matter too much to me then I will make myself crazy and send myself into a black hole of depression. I'm learning. I'm learning the program I'm learning my body, I'm learning my emotions.. I am figuring out how to live my life so that I am not smashing my head into a brick wall all the time.
I thought I had figured shyra all out too but she's changed. A lot. She's a lot more calm and sweet. She was always caring and loving but it was more of a tough love and I fought her a lot but I think deep down I really liked it. I needed someone to be hard on me and whip me into shape in love. I told Marie once I think one of the reason I don't feel love from my parents is because they never discipline me and I always get whatever I want. My mom shames me for it saying like well I guess I don't have a choice. She always make me feel bad for asking for something like it's not ok for me to have needs and to ask for them to be met. My dad tries to discipline me but then feels bad when I get upset and he shames me for it. And then gives me what I want because he feels bad.. That man needs a program, they both do but especially my dad, he has some issues that need to be worked out man... but this is not about my parents parenting skills - my point is I felt so loved by Shyra when she wouldn't engage with my ED and let me get away with the things I did or wanted to do. She would not negotiate with me.. or ED.. ever. The rules were the rules and I could follow them or leave.
And I left and now that I'm back I expected the same thing but it's not the same. She admitted herself that she was being too controlling before and while she is less controlling and more compassionate now, I'm glad we went through that rough period because now I know where the boundaries lie. I know I cannot get away with murder... or restricting or binging or purging. but I like that I have more space to set my own rules. She said something that caught me off guard today, she asked me what was the need to send her my food all the time.. I'm not sure what the need is.. I think I might just want validation.. I think it's because I'm so used to Shyra food Nazi. I want her to tell me it's ok. or not ok. She said it's a new thing but it feels so natural, like it's just what i'm supposed to do.. idk maybe because I'm used to other people having me keep food logs.. idk for some reason I like it. It must be the "good job"s and "you're awesome"s that I get from it.. well I think that's everything we talked about.. I hope I covered everything but if I think of something else I'll just have to write another post.. hopefully I will be writing more now that I'm back in program.
