I'm going to deny my needs and wants all week. Not just carbs and sugar. I'm going to wake up early and run I'm going to do chores and things I don't want to do. I'm going to drink black coffee I'm going to exercise my will power self control and self discipline. This is going to be the best week ever

146 pounds!!?!?! What the fuck!?!????

I will not eat flour. I will not eat sugar. I will not eat corn. I will not eat potatoes. I will not eat fruit. I will not call Richelle. I will not make outreach calls or texts. I will not ask for help. I will not tell anyone I'm restricting. I will purge anything that's not veggies or protien or vitamins. I will exercise everyday. I will weigh 136 by next Sunday. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will.

Soo last night I ate chili from a can, corn and wheat bread (with high fructose corn syrup) and my stomach is in knots today. I also had a ton of junk: candy, energy drink, chips ,poptarts..which I'm sure contributed to it too. I just started feeling these gas pains on my way to the game, burped a little bit, didn't feel anything during the game, and then felt worse after the game. I couldn't even stand up straight. Anyways. The point I'm trying to make. Food outside of moms house is not safe. Especially if its canned, frozen, or sugar coated. I need to eat healthy again or I will not eat. They say all food is good. Well obviously not. I haven't eaten anything all day but a truffle this morning and now there's processed chicken nuggets, French fries, and pigs in blankets in the oven. Chips on the counter..I don't understand how they can eat like this. I won't do it. I will not get fat like them. I will have a small salad with a tiny bit of fat free dressing. No more then 4 nuggets, if that. ed sucks

Triggersome documentary

I just attempted to watch the pbs documentary THIN. I thought these people are in recovery they're getting help it will be fine. No. It was not fine. After watching a 85 pound woman eating a cup cake I felt dizzy shaky and nauseated. My breathing got heavy my heart started flipping out and I felt my chest getting tighter and tighter. I immediately wanted to binge some more and purge. But even before that I was just hating my body, wishing I was that thin, planning restriction, listening for tips..it was bad. Warning for those in recovery, do not watch ED documentaries.

(...espesially after a 9 hour binge...just saying...)