Hating myself for sobriety

Ate like a normal person this weekend. Stopped counting calories and that was huge it made all the other behaviors go away. It was ok for the first few days but today I feel like a fat pig. I need to start restricting and purging again. I don't want to get fat. I don't know why. I guess because fat is gross and means I am not practicing self control. Idk. I can't get fat.

I meant new girls today, Lierin and Joy were closest to my age but there's a million kids and only like 5 or 6 families in the church. I love it. Anyway Joy is amazing she's 23 and courting a guy from Wisconsin, its soo cute! She's such a strong Christian. I hope to see her again soon, I really enjoyed talking with her. I think she saw that I was uneasy about eating. She asked me twice if I was ok. After we had eaten. I think I had the scared/pondering/ disgusted look on my face. I only ate a [really delicious] salad and a small portion of ziti. But then I had 2 slices of pie, and 2 squares of cake..sigh. then I came home and ate 2 slices of pizza and 2 chicken wings and I was soo full. I didn't need to eat again what's wrong with me?? I had to purge it. Then I ate some more after that :( fat ass dumb shit!! I hate you!

I have some ring dings here. In my bed with me. Laying beside me like little black kittens. Sleeping soundly. So innocent.

Every choice I make has its consequences, be it positive or negative.

If I eat the ring dings:
My hunger and/or craving will be satisfied.
I won't have to feel the panic.
I will get fat.
I will feel guilty.

If I don't eat the ring dings:
I will feel good and in control.
I will feel pain and I won't explode. I will be ok.
I will maintain my body weight size and shape.

I think I won't eat the ring dings!

*saved to drafts*

*3 hours later*

I ate the fucking ring dings.
Couldn't handle the panic.
Didn't like being controlled by Richelle.
I'll eat them if I want to.
Mmm it was wonderful.
Made yummy cream fillingy chocolate cakey love.
I'm gonna be so fat tomorrow all this sugar. But it was worth it it. I'm going to work out in 4 hours anyway. Good night!

Possibly the first day of the rest of my life

I went all day with out counting calories and purging! I ate like a normal person from 9am-7:30pm with out thinking/planning/ obsessing about food. I didnt weigh or measure anything, I didn't cut anything in half I ate 4 moderate complete balanced meals and didnt engage ED at all! Ok I know I'm beating a dead horse but I'm happy. Tomorrow I'm not going to count calories again. Just for tomorrow, just one day. I don't want to not allow myself to purge because when I do that I feel the urge to rebel. So no counting calories, purging is still an option if I need it but if I'm not obsessing about calories I won't feel the need to purge. (hopefully. that's what happened today at least)

Thank you so much Audrey for being such a big cheerleader for me :D otherwise I'd be guilt tripping myself for entering calories at the ending of the day or panicing over how fat I'm going to get because I had 1600 calories today or how I'm not committed enough because I won't let go of purging and quick cold turkey..

Tomorrow is a new day and I'm excited to embrace it. I'm ready for more success and pride and self-love and care. I'm going to the gym in the morning and I'm going to spend the afternoon/night at my aunt's house and we're gonna have some heart to heart girl time. I'm really excited. Wow. Definitely a new person today. ((huggss)) for me!

You are just not good enough. You're not anorexic enough or bulimic enough. You're not even good enough at recovery. You say you're trying you're best but that is just not enough Macy knows you can't recover, why don't you just quit already? She's in cahoots with Audrey, you know they both want you to be fat. That's why Audrey tells you to eat all that junk all the time. She tells you she's proud of you but she lies! You do everything wrong! There's nothing to be proud of! When you get to 130 then you can be proud. 130 is an ok number I mean its a big number I know people who are your height and 104 pounds. But you'll never make it there. Because you suck psht 130. Fat ass! X-D HAHAHAHAHAHA 130

Scared and overwhelmed

Rob camp kiss san fran school food fear perfection recovery hunger fat 145 :'( ribs blood dizzy pride failure death...

Things I'm thinking about...

Voices

How come sometimes the voices are calm and luring and sometimes they're frantic and demanding?

To the one who loves me and who is proud of me and who believes in me..and who left me..

If I get sick enough..like in a hospital stick thin with feeding tubes and IVs and stuff...will you come back for me?