(8:00) Breakfast: Granola bar, peanut butter, banana, egg, milk 1s 1f 1fr 1p 1d
(11:00) Snack: Pomegranite, yogurt 1fr 1d
(2:00)Lunch: Lasagna 1s 1f 1p 1d 1v
(5:00) Dinner/snack
1s 1f 1p 1v 1fr
(8:00) Dinner/snack
Because I have nothing else better to do at 3am:
If I work 40 hours a week at $8.75 an hour I will make $350.00 a week.
After taxes I will be left with $290.00
After tithe I will be left with $255.00
After saving I will left with $200.00 spending money per week.
That's $800.00 a month...niiice!
Haven't been journaling or staying sober the past few days because of the storm and work. I'm going to make a meal plan for tomorrow so I can try again tomorrow. I will get paid on Friday and buy myself fruit, veggies, yogurt, and cheese sticks..I think..maybe I'll just ask my step mom.. I don't want to ask her for anything >:P
Brakfast: english muffin, peanut butter, egg, milk 1S 1F 1P 1D
Lunch: sandwhich, 1S 1F 1P 1V
Snack: fruit juice, 1Fr
Dinner 1S 1P 1F 1V
Shit! Still not enough! eff my life, eff ED and eff the effing storm throwing my whole effing life off.
I'm ready now to accept my Day 1. Because in reality every day is Day 1 because this is an ODAT program. Yesterday was Day 1 today will be Day 1 and hopefully I will have many Day 1's after that. But right now I don't need to worry about that. My will? Forget it. I'm fully trusting my sponsor, my program, and my God. I may not always understand them or agree with them but obviously my way doesn't work and I'm ready now to try something else. Something else that has worked for soo many other people. Surrender. Sobriety means nothing without surrender. This is my new Surrender plan.
3 starches
3 protens
3 dairy
3 fats
5 fruits and veggies
3 meetings a week
5 minutes of quiet time
15 minutes journaling
No purging
No cutting
No more then 45 minutes of exercise 4x a week
Surrender to this plan every day and I will be well on my way to a happy, joyous and free life. I'm ready now. Here I am God. Do your will with me. I'm getting out of the way and I'm ready for you to do the work, I'm ready for the change.
Who am I fooling? I can't stay away from program if I tried. I couldn't stay isolated for more then a few hours. Thank you for forgiving me and taking me back and giving me another chance. I am determined to eat all my food today and make today a good Day 1 even though secretly I am still counting October 10th as my Day 1...
*sigh* can I never just stick with something and do it right? Or at least finish it. Gosh I'm a failure at everything. 17 days of no purging. Down the drain, it means nothing. Why did I even bother trying. If I would have known it could be taken away so easily as not eating a piece of meat and a fruit and drinking a glass of milk, I wouldn't have tried so hard. I guess the 6 starches 4 fats 2 dairy 2 vegitables and 1 fruit that I did eat wasn't enough. I guess eating like a pig = restricting. MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. So anyway. I'm no longer sober and I'm no longer trying. Cutting is now part of my sobriety so even if I was sober before I'm not anymore. I hate these new rules. I'm not going to work with someone who tells me all my hard work was for nothing and it's sad because I really like her, as a person, as a sponsor even. But she took my sobriety away from me and so I refuse to accept that. And I know I will never find anyone 1/2 as good as she was. So I'm quitting. I'm dropping out of ABA. Sayonara suckers.
Step One.
We admited we were powerless over our insane eating practices - that our lives had become unmanageable.
What.
Would.
Happen.
If I.
Decided that.
I wanted...
To go to inpatient treatment?
"Wow!" was her response, "I wasn't expecting that..You're sick and tired of being sick and tired? You've reached your bottom, you don't need to get any lower then that."
God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
God, be with me right now. Denial has kept me from seeing how powerless I am over my insane eating practices and how my life is unmanageable. Teach me to accept that I have an illness and that there's nothing I can do on my own to change it. And that no person can give me everything. Help me to remember I am not a broken person that needs fixing but a sick person who needs healing. And that you the Almighty Healer. Thank you for bringing me to this point of acceptance and surrender. And thank you for loving me unconditionally and catching me everytime I fall. May your will be done always. Amen.
