im so excited that she's cheering it makes me so proud that she's following after her big sisters passion. I'm a bit afraid for a few things. The first is minor, I'm afraid she might lose interest and I will want to push her to do it even though she doesn't want to. Or that I'll push her too hard right now and she will get tired of being bossed around and lose interest.. either way I don't want there to be tension between us because of my push/controllingness..
The other thing is I'm very afraid she is going to develop an eating disorder. She's a chunky kid, she's been told by her Dr she needs to lose weight and she's the second biggest girl on her team of 5 girls. It doesn't seem to be a problem right now but eventually, sooner probably then later, she's gonna notice her body and feel insecure. She looks up to me so much and she's going to see that I don't eat and I'm thin. So she shouldn't eat and then she will be thin..problem solved. She, like I do, loves food and she will probably not be able to restrict at first. She will get frustrated and try to think of ways of how she can get rid of the food she eats. She might start exercising, after all that's what her Dr told her she needs. Jump rope team starts soon, she might start picking up the rope as a way to get rid of the food. And no one will stop her because hey, she needs to exercise, she needs to practice. No one will know the madness going on inside her head. She might get a virus one day and not eat for a day or 2 and throw up everything she tries to eat and think hey this is a good way to get rid of my food. Or maybe one day she will eat a lot, she will be so full of food, to the point of bursting she might feel soo uncomfortable and think if I could just let out some of this food I will feel better. She does this every day at dinner. Oh mom cooks so good if I could only have seconds. I'll just get rid of my first portion so I could have more. People will make fun of her because she eats so much she will start to hide her binges and equate food with sad, ashamed feelings so that when she feels sad and ashamed she will go to the food. She will steal food from peoples houses, from stores, restaurants, she eat hide food in her room, in her purse, in her pockets. She will eat late at night so no one sees. She will see herself gaining weight and then hate herself, tell herself that she is inadequate, worthless because she can't control herself enough to stop the insane eating behaviors, she'll tell herself that all food is evil. She will hate food. Fear food. She won't even want to look at or smell food, she is so afraid of it. She will end up 14 years old and 75 pounds laying in a hospital bed with IVs and feeding tubes, heart monitors and heated blankets.
This very well might not happen but I know it could. She watches me, she looks up to me, she wants to be like me, she wants approval from me. I pray this doesn't happen to her and I feel like I can help by cleaning up my side of the street. I can't control how she feels about her body and what she does to change it but I can shape a better role model for her to look up to. One that is strong in the Word, loves and takes care of others and most importantly herself. I need to be a good example and the only way I can do that is to follow the example of Christ.
God, please guide me and give me your wisdom to discern right from wrong, disorder from logic, truth from lies. Help me learn to love me and to love my sister enough to want to be healthy for her. Please forgive me for all the damage I am doing to my temple, your temple Lord. I pray that your will be done, in the precious name of Jesus amen.
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