No more ABA

*sigh* can I never just stick with something and do it right? Or at least finish it. Gosh I'm a failure at everything. 17 days of no purging. Down the drain, it means nothing. Why did I even bother trying. If I would have known it could be taken away so easily as not eating a piece of meat and a fruit and drinking a glass of milk, I wouldn't have tried so hard. I guess the 6 starches 4 fats 2 dairy 2 vegitables and 1 fruit that I did eat wasn't enough. I guess eating like a pig = restricting. MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. So anyway. I'm no longer sober and I'm no longer trying. Cutting is now part of my sobriety so even if I was sober before I'm not anymore. I hate these new rules. I'm not going to work with someone who tells me all my hard work was for nothing and it's sad because I really like her, as a person, as a sponsor even. But she took my sobriety away from me and so I refuse to accept that. And I know I will never find anyone 1/2 as good as she was. So I'm quitting. I'm dropping out of ABA. Sayonara suckers.

Step one. Finally!

Step One.
We admited we were powerless over our insane eating practices - that our lives had become unmanageable.

What.
Would.
Happen.
If I.
Decided that.
I wanted...
To go to inpatient treatment?

"Wow!" was her response, "I wasn't expecting that..You're sick and tired of being sick and tired? You've reached your bottom, you don't need to get any lower then that."

God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

God, be with me right now. Denial has kept me from seeing how powerless I am over my insane eating practices and how my life is unmanageable. Teach me to accept that I have an illness and that there's nothing I can do on my own to change it. And that no person can give me everything. Help me to remember I am not a broken person that needs fixing but a sick person who needs healing. And that you the Almighty Healer. Thank you for bringing me to this point of acceptance and surrender. And thank you for loving me unconditionally and catching me everytime I fall. May your will be done always. Amen.

I'm going to deny my needs and wants all week. Not just carbs and sugar. I'm going to wake up early and run I'm going to do chores and things I don't want to do. I'm going to drink black coffee I'm going to exercise my will power self control and self discipline. This is going to be the best week ever

146 pounds!!?!?! What the fuck!?!????

I will not eat flour. I will not eat sugar. I will not eat corn. I will not eat potatoes. I will not eat fruit. I will not call Richelle. I will not make outreach calls or texts. I will not ask for help. I will not tell anyone I'm restricting. I will purge anything that's not veggies or protien or vitamins. I will exercise everyday. I will weigh 136 by next Sunday. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will.

Soo last night I ate chili from a can, corn and wheat bread (with high fructose corn syrup) and my stomach is in knots today. I also had a ton of junk: candy, energy drink, chips ,poptarts..which I'm sure contributed to it too. I just started feeling these gas pains on my way to the game, burped a little bit, didn't feel anything during the game, and then felt worse after the game. I couldn't even stand up straight. Anyways. The point I'm trying to make. Food outside of moms house is not safe. Especially if its canned, frozen, or sugar coated. I need to eat healthy again or I will not eat. They say all food is good. Well obviously not. I haven't eaten anything all day but a truffle this morning and now there's processed chicken nuggets, French fries, and pigs in blankets in the oven. Chips on the counter..I don't understand how they can eat like this. I won't do it. I will not get fat like them. I will have a small salad with a tiny bit of fat free dressing. No more then 4 nuggets, if that. ed sucks

Triggersome documentary

I just attempted to watch the pbs documentary THIN. I thought these people are in recovery they're getting help it will be fine. No. It was not fine. After watching a 85 pound woman eating a cup cake I felt dizzy shaky and nauseated. My breathing got heavy my heart started flipping out and I felt my chest getting tighter and tighter. I immediately wanted to binge some more and purge. But even before that I was just hating my body, wishing I was that thin, planning restriction, listening for tips..it was bad. Warning for those in recovery, do not watch ED documentaries.

(...espesially after a 9 hour binge...just saying...)

My Darling Little Sister

im so excited that she's cheering it makes me so proud that she's following after her big sisters passion. I'm a bit afraid for a few things. The first is minor, I'm afraid she might lose interest and I will want to push her to do it even though she doesn't want to. Or that I'll push her too hard right now and she will get tired of being bossed around and lose interest.. either way I don't want there to be tension between us because of my push/controllingness..

The other thing is I'm very afraid she is going to develop an eating disorder. She's a chunky kid, she's been told by her Dr she needs to lose weight and she's the second biggest girl on her team of 5 girls. It doesn't seem to be a problem right now but eventually, sooner probably then later, she's gonna notice her body and feel insecure. She looks up to me so much and she's going to see that I don't eat and I'm thin. So she shouldn't eat and then she will be thin..problem solved. She, like I do, loves food and she will probably not be able to restrict at first. She will get frustrated and try to think of ways of how she can get rid of the food she eats. She might start exercising, after all that's what her Dr told her she needs. Jump rope team starts soon, she might start picking up the rope as a way to get rid of the food. And no one will stop her because hey, she needs to exercise, she needs to practice. No one will know the madness going on inside her head. She might get a virus one day and not eat for a day or 2 and throw up everything she tries to eat and think hey this is a good way to get rid of my food. Or maybe one day she will eat a lot, she will be so full of food, to the point of bursting she might feel soo uncomfortable and think if I could just let out some of this food I will feel better. She does this every day at dinner. Oh mom cooks so good if I could only have seconds. I'll just get rid of my first portion so I could have more. People will make fun of her because she eats so much she will start to hide her binges and equate food with sad, ashamed feelings so that when she feels sad and ashamed she will go to the food. She will steal food from peoples houses, from stores, restaurants, she eat hide food in her room, in her purse, in her pockets. She will eat late at night so no one sees. She will see herself gaining weight and then hate herself, tell herself that she is inadequate, worthless because she can't control herself enough to stop the insane eating behaviors, she'll tell herself that all food is evil. She will hate food. Fear food. She won't even want to look at or smell food, she is so afraid of it. She will end up 14 years old and 75 pounds laying in a hospital bed with IVs and feeding tubes, heart monitors and heated blankets.

This very well might not happen but I know it could. She watches me, she looks up to me, she wants to be like me, she wants approval from me. I pray this doesn't happen to her and I feel like I can help by cleaning up my side of the street. I can't control how she feels about her body and what she does to change it but I can shape a better role model for her to look up to. One that is strong in the Word, loves and takes care of others and most importantly herself. I need to be a good example and the only way I can do that is to follow the example of Christ.

God, please guide me and give me your wisdom to discern right from wrong, disorder from logic, truth from lies. Help me learn to love me and to love my sister enough to want to be healthy for her. Please forgive me for all the damage I am doing to my temple, your temple Lord. I pray that your will be done, in the precious name of Jesus amen.