I'm bored so i decided to write a ppost cuz people frown upon posting bored statuses on facebook.. ate breakfast and i'm already hungry.. i'm thinking about renaming this blog diary of a fat girl

Ok, so it's been like 8 months since I've written.. or something that.. and um.. I guess I'm back. My fucking eating disorder took over and I've been isolating.. whatevs. Soo I'm a fat fuck now. Somewhere between 160 and 170.. yeah because when it came back it came back kicking and screaming. It said:

 ya know what? you wanna try and fight me?

you wanna eat? you wont let me control you?

well here 

eat a donut stick

eat a bag of chips

eat an ice cream

go out to eat 50 times a week

eat some fried food

eat steak

drink a slushy

eat pork

eat rice and potatoes and cake and pie and pasta and butter and sugar and bread and bagels and cream cheese and cookies and chocolate and corn and shit

FUCKING EAT IF YOU WANNA EAT WHATEVER WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO! 

So yeah that's how it went down for the past 8 months or whatever. All the things I didn't allow myself before I have been eating, barely exercising..what's a vegetable?? And I'm pissed off that I'm fat so I decided to play my little controlling mind games.. I went to Shyra and pretended like I was restricting. and begged her to let me only eat 2 meals a day and she said how bout 2 meals and a snack.. so i was like fuck yeah. i only have to eat 2 meals and a snack! I'm gonna lose mad weight. yeah baby! woo hoo! What I forgot was that ED is a fucking powerful little asshole and he has his tight ass fucking vice grips on me so even if Shyra says I only have to eat a little bit ED still says i have to EAT LIKE A FUCKING FAT ASS BITCH MOTHER FUCKER WHO CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK SHE WANTS. 

So to say the very least, I have been eating way more then 2 meals and a snack the past few days that I have started this whole program shit again. I just want to work the steps. Everyone says how amazing they are and  how their lives have changed and whatnot, I want the promises to come true in my life, I want to be happy, joyous and free but I can't because I cannot be sober. I can't hold a meal plan for 90 whole fucking days. I just can't. They're so out of my reach it doesn't seem fair. I need to find a meal plan that is actually attainable and I can breeze through 90 days no problem.

The reason I am blogging today though is because Shyra told me to journal about the conversation we just had over the phone. I wanted to read today, I thought it was just going to be just a normal reading and discussing conversation but she immediately picked up that something was wrong and I told her that I felt fat and lazy and depressed and we talked about why and she that I was indeed binging which is not what I wanted to here, I wanted to here no hunny you are fine, it just feels like binging because you are used to restricting. Fuck that shit. I'm a normal healthy girl. Leave me alone. Just kidding. I don't fucking know.. I don't know if I will ever truly accept the fact that I have an eating disorder. I still don't think I do. I mean maybe.. idk

Oops, kinda chased a rabbit there.. anyways soo we came to the decision that I would eat 3 meals and a snack to be sober and I have the option to eat another snack if i want to..  the problem is my ED has two faces and is also afraid that I'm going to get fat.. I think he just doesn't want to do whatever I say I want to do.. soo idk whats gonna happen today.. I haven't really followed any sort of structured eating today so maybe I will just try my best today and officially start tomorrow, I have no idea how many days I have now.. it really doesn't matter though. I've learned not to care about the days anyways. if I let them matter too much to me then I will make myself crazy and send myself into a black hole of depression. I'm learning. I'm learning the program I'm learning my body, I'm learning my emotions.. I am figuring out how to live my life so that I am not smashing my head into a brick wall all the time. 

I thought I had figured shyra all out too but she's changed. A lot. She's a lot more calm and sweet. She was always caring and loving but it was more of a tough love and I fought her a lot but I think deep down I really liked it. I needed someone to be hard on me and whip me into shape in love. I told Marie once I think one of the reason I don't feel love from my parents is because they never discipline me and I always get whatever I want. My mom shames me for it saying like well I guess I don't have a choice. She always make me feel bad for asking for something like it's not ok for me to have needs and to ask for them to be met. My dad tries to discipline me but then feels bad when I get upset and he shames me for it. And then gives me what I want because he feels bad.. That man needs a program, they both do but especially my dad, he has some issues that need to be worked out man... but this is not about my parents parenting skills - my point is I felt so loved by Shyra when she wouldn't engage with my ED and let me get away with the things I did or wanted to do. She would not negotiate with me.. or ED.. ever. The rules were the rules and I could follow them or leave. 

And I left and now that I'm back I expected the same thing but it's not the same. She admitted herself that she was being too controlling before and while she is less controlling and more compassionate now, I'm glad we went through that rough period because now I know where the boundaries lie. I know I cannot get away with murder... or restricting or binging or purging. but I like that I have more space to set my own rules. She said something that caught me off guard today, she asked me what was the need to send her my food all the time.. I'm not sure what the need is.. I think I might just want validation.. I think it's because I'm so used to Shyra food Nazi. I want her to tell me it's ok. or not ok. She said it's a new thing but it feels so natural, like it's just what i'm supposed to do.. idk maybe because I'm used to other people having me keep food logs.. idk for some reason I like it. It must be the "good job"s and "you're awesome"s  that I get from it.. well I think that's everything we talked about.. I hope I covered everything but if I think of something else I'll just have to write another post.. hopefully I will be writing more now that I'm back in program.

Food plan for Saturday

(8:00) Breakfast: Granola bar, peanut butter, banana, egg, milk 1s 1f 1fr 1p 1d

(11:00) Snack: Pomegranite, yogurt 1fr 1d

(2:00)Lunch: Lasagna 1s 1f 1p 1d 1v

(5:00) Dinner/snack
                                  1s 1f 1p 1v 1fr
(8:00) Dinner/snack

Counting my chickens before they hatch

Because I have nothing else better to do at 3am:

If I work 40 hours a week at $8.75 an hour I will make $350.00 a week.

After taxes I will be left with $290.00

After tithe I will be left with $255.00

After saving I will left with $200.00 spending money per week.

That's $800.00 a month...niiice!

Food plan

Haven't been journaling or staying sober the past few days because of the storm and work. I'm going to make a meal plan for tomorrow so I can try again tomorrow. I will get paid on Friday and buy myself fruit, veggies, yogurt, and cheese sticks..I think..maybe I'll just ask my step mom.. I don't want to ask her for anything >:P

Brakfast: english muffin, peanut butter, egg, milk 1S 1F 1P 1D
Lunch: sandwhich, 1S 1F 1P 1V
Snack: fruit juice, 1Fr
Dinner 1S 1P 1F 1V

Shit! Still not enough! eff my life, eff ED and eff the effing storm throwing my whole effing life off.

New commitment

I'm ready now to accept my Day 1. Because in reality every day is Day 1 because this is an ODAT program. Yesterday was Day 1 today will be Day 1 and hopefully I will have many Day 1's after that. But right now I don't need to worry about that. My will? Forget it. I'm fully trusting my sponsor, my program, and my God. I may not always understand them or agree with them but obviously my way doesn't work and I'm ready now to try something else. Something else that has worked for soo many other people. Surrender. Sobriety means nothing without surrender. This is my new Surrender plan.

3 starches
3 protens
3 dairy
3 fats
5 fruits and veggies
3 meetings a week
5 minutes of quiet time
15 minutes journaling
No purging
No cutting
No more then 45 minutes of exercise 4x a week

Surrender to this plan every day and I will be well on my way to a happy, joyous and free life. I'm ready now. Here I am God. Do your will with me. I'm getting out of the way and I'm ready for you to do the work, I'm ready for the change.

Just kidding.

Who am I fooling? I can't stay away from program if I tried. I couldn't stay isolated for more then a few hours. Thank you for forgiving me and taking me back and giving me another chance. I am determined to eat all my food today and make today a good Day 1 even though secretly I am still counting October 10th as my Day 1...

No more ABA

*sigh* can I never just stick with something and do it right? Or at least finish it. Gosh I'm a failure at everything. 17 days of no purging. Down the drain, it means nothing. Why did I even bother trying. If I would have known it could be taken away so easily as not eating a piece of meat and a fruit and drinking a glass of milk, I wouldn't have tried so hard. I guess the 6 starches 4 fats 2 dairy 2 vegitables and 1 fruit that I did eat wasn't enough. I guess eating like a pig = restricting. MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. So anyway. I'm no longer sober and I'm no longer trying. Cutting is now part of my sobriety so even if I was sober before I'm not anymore. I hate these new rules. I'm not going to work with someone who tells me all my hard work was for nothing and it's sad because I really like her, as a person, as a sponsor even. But she took my sobriety away from me and so I refuse to accept that. And I know I will never find anyone 1/2 as good as she was. So I'm quitting. I'm dropping out of ABA. Sayonara suckers.

Step one. Finally!

Step One.
We admited we were powerless over our insane eating practices - that our lives had become unmanageable.

What.
Would.
Happen.
If I.
Decided that.
I wanted...
To go to inpatient treatment?

"Wow!" was her response, "I wasn't expecting that..You're sick and tired of being sick and tired? You've reached your bottom, you don't need to get any lower then that."

God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

God, be with me right now. Denial has kept me from seeing how powerless I am over my insane eating practices and how my life is unmanageable. Teach me to accept that I have an illness and that there's nothing I can do on my own to change it. And that no person can give me everything. Help me to remember I am not a broken person that needs fixing but a sick person who needs healing. And that you the Almighty Healer. Thank you for bringing me to this point of acceptance and surrender. And thank you for loving me unconditionally and catching me everytime I fall. May your will be done always. Amen.

I'm going to deny my needs and wants all week. Not just carbs and sugar. I'm going to wake up early and run I'm going to do chores and things I don't want to do. I'm going to drink black coffee I'm going to exercise my will power self control and self discipline. This is going to be the best week ever

146 pounds!!?!?! What the fuck!?!????

I will not eat flour. I will not eat sugar. I will not eat corn. I will not eat potatoes. I will not eat fruit. I will not call Richelle. I will not make outreach calls or texts. I will not ask for help. I will not tell anyone I'm restricting. I will purge anything that's not veggies or protien or vitamins. I will exercise everyday. I will weigh 136 by next Sunday. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will.

Soo last night I ate chili from a can, corn and wheat bread (with high fructose corn syrup) and my stomach is in knots today. I also had a ton of junk: candy, energy drink, chips ,poptarts..which I'm sure contributed to it too. I just started feeling these gas pains on my way to the game, burped a little bit, didn't feel anything during the game, and then felt worse after the game. I couldn't even stand up straight. Anyways. The point I'm trying to make. Food outside of moms house is not safe. Especially if its canned, frozen, or sugar coated. I need to eat healthy again or I will not eat. They say all food is good. Well obviously not. I haven't eaten anything all day but a truffle this morning and now there's processed chicken nuggets, French fries, and pigs in blankets in the oven. Chips on the counter..I don't understand how they can eat like this. I won't do it. I will not get fat like them. I will have a small salad with a tiny bit of fat free dressing. No more then 4 nuggets, if that. ed sucks

Triggersome documentary

I just attempted to watch the pbs documentary THIN. I thought these people are in recovery they're getting help it will be fine. No. It was not fine. After watching a 85 pound woman eating a cup cake I felt dizzy shaky and nauseated. My breathing got heavy my heart started flipping out and I felt my chest getting tighter and tighter. I immediately wanted to binge some more and purge. But even before that I was just hating my body, wishing I was that thin, planning restriction, listening for tips..it was bad. Warning for those in recovery, do not watch ED documentaries.

(...espesially after a 9 hour binge...just saying...)

My Darling Little Sister

im so excited that she's cheering it makes me so proud that she's following after her big sisters passion. I'm a bit afraid for a few things. The first is minor, I'm afraid she might lose interest and I will want to push her to do it even though she doesn't want to. Or that I'll push her too hard right now and she will get tired of being bossed around and lose interest.. either way I don't want there to be tension between us because of my push/controllingness..

The other thing is I'm very afraid she is going to develop an eating disorder. She's a chunky kid, she's been told by her Dr she needs to lose weight and she's the second biggest girl on her team of 5 girls. It doesn't seem to be a problem right now but eventually, sooner probably then later, she's gonna notice her body and feel insecure. She looks up to me so much and she's going to see that I don't eat and I'm thin. So she shouldn't eat and then she will be thin..problem solved. She, like I do, loves food and she will probably not be able to restrict at first. She will get frustrated and try to think of ways of how she can get rid of the food she eats. She might start exercising, after all that's what her Dr told her she needs. Jump rope team starts soon, she might start picking up the rope as a way to get rid of the food. And no one will stop her because hey, she needs to exercise, she needs to practice. No one will know the madness going on inside her head. She might get a virus one day and not eat for a day or 2 and throw up everything she tries to eat and think hey this is a good way to get rid of my food. Or maybe one day she will eat a lot, she will be so full of food, to the point of bursting she might feel soo uncomfortable and think if I could just let out some of this food I will feel better. She does this every day at dinner. Oh mom cooks so good if I could only have seconds. I'll just get rid of my first portion so I could have more. People will make fun of her because she eats so much she will start to hide her binges and equate food with sad, ashamed feelings so that when she feels sad and ashamed she will go to the food. She will steal food from peoples houses, from stores, restaurants, she eat hide food in her room, in her purse, in her pockets. She will eat late at night so no one sees. She will see herself gaining weight and then hate herself, tell herself that she is inadequate, worthless because she can't control herself enough to stop the insane eating behaviors, she'll tell herself that all food is evil. She will hate food. Fear food. She won't even want to look at or smell food, she is so afraid of it. She will end up 14 years old and 75 pounds laying in a hospital bed with IVs and feeding tubes, heart monitors and heated blankets.

This very well might not happen but I know it could. She watches me, she looks up to me, she wants to be like me, she wants approval from me. I pray this doesn't happen to her and I feel like I can help by cleaning up my side of the street. I can't control how she feels about her body and what she does to change it but I can shape a better role model for her to look up to. One that is strong in the Word, loves and takes care of others and most importantly herself. I need to be a good example and the only way I can do that is to follow the example of Christ.

God, please guide me and give me your wisdom to discern right from wrong, disorder from logic, truth from lies. Help me learn to love me and to love my sister enough to want to be healthy for her. Please forgive me for all the damage I am doing to my temple, your temple Lord. I pray that your will be done, in the precious name of Jesus amen.

Recovery Remorse

These are the culprit:



I ate them just fine last night.
I ate them just fine this afternoon.
I posted them on Facebook.
I bragged to Audrey and Richelle how I was eating like a normal person.
Then I got jealous about Audrey's new diet.

"Hmm, we could do that" He says.
"Broth an jello are great,
I love broth and jello!
Com'on it'll be so awesome,
You will be a size 4 in no time!
Look Audrey's doing it and she's healthy,
Its fine really.
Her doctor wouldn't tell her to do it if it weren't safe"

Than I checked the calories in Nutella.
Now I hate them.
I wish I didn't wait so long to purge them.
They're gone now.
But they're not really.
Now it's
belly fat,
butt fat,
thigh fat,
arm fat,
boob fat.
I'm going to gain so much weight.
Why didn't I have more self control?
Why did I eat them, I wasn't even hungry.
Why did I wait so long to purge.
Why am I even in recovery?
I'm really not that thin.
I'm not that sick.
I am huge.
Squishy.
Gross.
Ew.

Journal it. No one wants to hear it.

Proana.

I hope the source of the drama doesn't came back.

Get out of here no one likes you, your not like us.

You can't even starve yourself right.

You suck.

Your help isnt wanted around here.

Your not worth recovery.

You deserve to rot away in the psych ward.

Just bury yourself alive don't waste peoples time and money.

Freestylin'

Someone posted this line on Facebook

Darkness can't get me to sleep yet, I'm not that weak yet.

and then idk where it came from but I just started rhyming..

Darkness can't get me to sleep yet, I'm not that weak yet.
I won't let it take me I won't make that mistake, see? 
I'm gonna stay strong even though the days are long. 
I'm gonna stand up and fight
The night
I'm gonna battle darkness with the light.

I cant stay in hiding while every one is fighting
For me, for my life, While ED has me stiffled
He trifles away at my heart and my head
As I lay awake in bed I think why should I stay
Here on this earth I don't deserve
Another day.

But I got a bigger truth, dont need to listen to you.
ED.
Leave me.
Alone.
Do something I dare you. I can bear you.
I got bigger guns now. I won't back down.
Darkness beware cuz I got the light, yeah be scared.

Yeah so..I didn't know I could rap lol and I didn't know I had those feelings either. Maybe part of me does want recovery.

Dayss

No purging: Day 10

No SI: Day 1

Restricting: Day 3

Isnt it funny how when your stomach's empty, you feel thin and beautiful but the instant you eat you feel huge and gross :( I HATE ED!!!!!

I lost 2 pounds over night after eating 3 meals and 2 junk food snacks..I like it, I wish it happened more often.

Today i'm not hungry. I should eat something small...

I cant wait till i'm done with this stupid paper, I dont want to hear the word socialism ever again!

Boundaries..Control..Manipulations..

Been doing good

I've had a whole week of victories. Last Thursday I stopped restricting and purging had a great weekend with Auntie Brenda which really kicked off my recovery again. I gained 7 pounds in the last week but I think its ok. I think my body was just not meant to be below 150. They say eat 3 meals and a snack or 2 and God will take care of your body. It's working I guess even though I don't like it. I wish I was 130. 150 just seems so huge to me :( anyways whatever. I think I have a sponsor..kinda she's not super responsive but I have great buddies like Sarah, Selena, Richelle, Audrey and Taylor. The list keeps changing but these are my main supports right now. Last night I went to Sue's youth banquet and there was really awesome Pentecostal worship till 2am lol it was great the youth just started singing at the piano and then we started praying and all that stuff but I surrendered my life and will over to God and decided I want recovery 100% no matter what it takes. Now I just. Need to know what it takes..