Birthday blues

Wow 18, crazinesss! I can't believe it. I've grown up so fast lol It didn't even hit me till I was writing a note to my best friend at her graduation party yesterday. We're growing up. We're adults now. I've been through so much and there's so much more to come. Scary. I miss being little. When people took care of me. Didn't expect anything from me. Gushed over how cute I was..Well they still do that lol

The thing I miss the most though is not needing to force people to give me what I want or need. I'm sure I was always a manipulator. I look at my little sister and other kids and think wow I probably used to be like that too..I didn't realize it started so young. And I'm not talking about regular temper tantrums either I mean like "don't you think I'm pretty?" And things like that. I think the reason I am the way I am is because of how my parents raised me. They always gave (still do give) me what I want and so now, when I don't get what I want I make them give it to me or find another way to get it. I guess its kinda a survival mechanism.. idk

I just discovered that that's all my ED is. I mean I've kinda suspected it but I was finally able to voice it the other day in an EDA meeting. I use my ED to get attention. There I've said it again. My ED is my conversation starter. Something I can bring to people so they will either feel bad for me, help me, relate to me and/or just talk about with me. I get bored and lonely and so I start panicing and do something stupid with food like binge or purge or both or if I'm being lazy I'll just text someone and tell them that I'm freaking out and I feel like doing it and have them try and stop me. Which sometimes I end up doing it anyways. I get the attention I'm looking for and I still get to weigh myself 600 times a day or binge on sweet treats or purge all my dinner or skip breakfast or work out in my room for 3 hours...

I'm so stuck between whether or not I think this is a real eating disorder but then when I say that I feel like I'm in denial..I mean I dont treat food like normal people do but I created this myself, I choose to do these behaviors to get attention. Ugh idk so confused I can't wait till I get a new counselor or talk to my old counselor again. I miss her and I feel very lost and alone without her (gosh here goes the water works..)