*May Be Triggersome*

Ok I'm back. Not back to recovery, no. Just back to blogging. I associate this blog with recovery but ED is too much and I have to let him speak. I'm really doing it this time. I'm doing it full force. No eating. Purging everything I do eat. Well before it was anything over 500 calories but I don't even deserve that anymore. Yesterday I laid in bed all day depressed and consumed with ED thoughts. I couldn't eat breakfast because I couldn't figure out what I was going to eat for lunch. I had an idea but I didn't know exactly how many calories were in bacon kale. So when I gave up on my bacon kale salad I was finally able to eat breakfast and drink my green tea. But I still was so overwhelmed thinking about the food I had just eaten, the food I will eat later, my room I had to clean, the work I had to do before being able to go to the movies with Tianna later. Needless to say I didn't do anything but clean my room and packed my bags. Grabbed a half of a small apple and a cheese stick and was on my way to pick up veggies from the CSA and to Tianna's I go. But mom asked me if my work was done. I tried to lie but I didn't do a very good job. The deal was we were going to pick up the veggies and go home finish as much work as I can in 6 hours and then she would bring me back to Torrington. Well we stayed at my aunts for 4 hours cuz she was sick and mom had to go to the store fine I'm all for taking care of the sick but now (that I have less time) the rules changed to I have to finish AALLLL my work (between 6 and 8) then I could go. So I shoved my fingers down my throat to give me a clear pallet and decided I am never going eat again. This was my birthday present this is a 20$ ticket to a double showing..the 1st and 2nd part of the LAST Harry Potter movie. Not that I love Harry Potter but my cousin does and she was soo excited and I ruined everything. I deserve to be punished but I can't let my mom punish me I need to punish myself. So there. No eating. Ever. And I'm not going to do my work either. Just lay here and wither away to nothing. I will not talk to anyone or do anything so don't call me, don't text me. Because I won't answer. I SUCK AT LIFE I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH!! AAAGGGHHHH!!!!!