I think this is the first time in a long time I've eaten a meal with the intention of purging it. Eating really fast, drinking lots of water, eating all of one food at a time so it comes up in layers so I know when I'm empty..
I discovered something else about my ED today. I want recovery pretty bad but I'm not willing to do what ever it takes. I haven't reached a bottom. I'm not recovering for me. I haven't decided for me that I want to stop. I was forced into counseling and then scared of treatment, so I cleaned up the outside so they will all think I'm ok. I didn't think about it like that or plan it out it just kinda happened. Now I'm doing the opposite, reaching out to people and letting them know "I AM NOT OK!" and no ones listening or maybe I'm just going to the wrong people. Go figure. Story of my life. So I feel like I have to act out so people will know and because I want to reach my bottom so I can start recovery.
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