Hating myself for sobriety

Ate like a normal person this weekend. Stopped counting calories and that was huge it made all the other behaviors go away. It was ok for the first few days but today I feel like a fat pig. I need to start restricting and purging again. I don't want to get fat. I don't know why. I guess because fat is gross and means I am not practicing self control. Idk. I can't get fat.

I meant new girls today, Lierin and Joy were closest to my age but there's a million kids and only like 5 or 6 families in the church. I love it. Anyway Joy is amazing she's 23 and courting a guy from Wisconsin, its soo cute! She's such a strong Christian. I hope to see her again soon, I really enjoyed talking with her. I think she saw that I was uneasy about eating. She asked me twice if I was ok. After we had eaten. I think I had the scared/pondering/ disgusted look on my face. I only ate a [really delicious] salad and a small portion of ziti. But then I had 2 slices of pie, and 2 squares of cake..sigh. then I came home and ate 2 slices of pizza and 2 chicken wings and I was soo full. I didn't need to eat again what's wrong with me?? I had to purge it. Then I ate some more after that :( fat ass dumb shit!! I hate you!

I have some ring dings here. In my bed with me. Laying beside me like little black kittens. Sleeping soundly. So innocent.

Every choice I make has its consequences, be it positive or negative.

If I eat the ring dings:
My hunger and/or craving will be satisfied.
I won't have to feel the panic.
I will get fat.
I will feel guilty.

If I don't eat the ring dings:
I will feel good and in control.
I will feel pain and I won't explode. I will be ok.
I will maintain my body weight size and shape.

I think I won't eat the ring dings!

*saved to drafts*

*3 hours later*

I ate the fucking ring dings.
Couldn't handle the panic.
Didn't like being controlled by Richelle.
I'll eat them if I want to.
Mmm it was wonderful.
Made yummy cream fillingy chocolate cakey love.
I'm gonna be so fat tomorrow all this sugar. But it was worth it it. I'm going to work out in 4 hours anyway. Good night!

Possibly the first day of the rest of my life

I went all day with out counting calories and purging! I ate like a normal person from 9am-7:30pm with out thinking/planning/ obsessing about food. I didnt weigh or measure anything, I didn't cut anything in half I ate 4 moderate complete balanced meals and didnt engage ED at all! Ok I know I'm beating a dead horse but I'm happy. Tomorrow I'm not going to count calories again. Just for tomorrow, just one day. I don't want to not allow myself to purge because when I do that I feel the urge to rebel. So no counting calories, purging is still an option if I need it but if I'm not obsessing about calories I won't feel the need to purge. (hopefully. that's what happened today at least)

Thank you so much Audrey for being such a big cheerleader for me :D otherwise I'd be guilt tripping myself for entering calories at the ending of the day or panicing over how fat I'm going to get because I had 1600 calories today or how I'm not committed enough because I won't let go of purging and quick cold turkey..

Tomorrow is a new day and I'm excited to embrace it. I'm ready for more success and pride and self-love and care. I'm going to the gym in the morning and I'm going to spend the afternoon/night at my aunt's house and we're gonna have some heart to heart girl time. I'm really excited. Wow. Definitely a new person today. ((huggss)) for me!

You are just not good enough. You're not anorexic enough or bulimic enough. You're not even good enough at recovery. You say you're trying you're best but that is just not enough Macy knows you can't recover, why don't you just quit already? She's in cahoots with Audrey, you know they both want you to be fat. That's why Audrey tells you to eat all that junk all the time. She tells you she's proud of you but she lies! You do everything wrong! There's nothing to be proud of! When you get to 130 then you can be proud. 130 is an ok number I mean its a big number I know people who are your height and 104 pounds. But you'll never make it there. Because you suck psht 130. Fat ass! X-D HAHAHAHAHAHA 130

Scared and overwhelmed

Rob camp kiss san fran school food fear perfection recovery hunger fat 145 :'( ribs blood dizzy pride failure death...

Things I'm thinking about...

Voices

How come sometimes the voices are calm and luring and sometimes they're frantic and demanding?

To the one who loves me and who is proud of me and who believes in me..and who left me..

If I get sick enough..like in a hospital stick thin with feeding tubes and IVs and stuff...will you come back for me?

*May Be Triggersome*

Ok I'm back. Not back to recovery, no. Just back to blogging. I associate this blog with recovery but ED is too much and I have to let him speak. I'm really doing it this time. I'm doing it full force. No eating. Purging everything I do eat. Well before it was anything over 500 calories but I don't even deserve that anymore. Yesterday I laid in bed all day depressed and consumed with ED thoughts. I couldn't eat breakfast because I couldn't figure out what I was going to eat for lunch. I had an idea but I didn't know exactly how many calories were in bacon kale. So when I gave up on my bacon kale salad I was finally able to eat breakfast and drink my green tea. But I still was so overwhelmed thinking about the food I had just eaten, the food I will eat later, my room I had to clean, the work I had to do before being able to go to the movies with Tianna later. Needless to say I didn't do anything but clean my room and packed my bags. Grabbed a half of a small apple and a cheese stick and was on my way to pick up veggies from the CSA and to Tianna's I go. But mom asked me if my work was done. I tried to lie but I didn't do a very good job. The deal was we were going to pick up the veggies and go home finish as much work as I can in 6 hours and then she would bring me back to Torrington. Well we stayed at my aunts for 4 hours cuz she was sick and mom had to go to the store fine I'm all for taking care of the sick but now (that I have less time) the rules changed to I have to finish AALLLL my work (between 6 and 8) then I could go. So I shoved my fingers down my throat to give me a clear pallet and decided I am never going eat again. This was my birthday present this is a 20$ ticket to a double showing..the 1st and 2nd part of the LAST Harry Potter movie. Not that I love Harry Potter but my cousin does and she was soo excited and I ruined everything. I deserve to be punished but I can't let my mom punish me I need to punish myself. So there. No eating. Ever. And I'm not going to do my work either. Just lay here and wither away to nothing. I will not talk to anyone or do anything so don't call me, don't text me. Because I won't answer. I SUCK AT LIFE I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH!! AAAGGGHHHH!!!!!

Done with recovery

No more EDA, no more OA, no more blogging, no more texting, no more eating.

810 calories. More then double my goal. Ugghh blegghh meehh. Wella gave me a scale that calculates body fat percentage and its pretty accurate. I don't know if she realizes how bad that was mwahahaha I love it! :D

ED has me in a chokehold..

I think I'm doing ok today. I think she caught me though, I think she saw the full napkin..she saw me drink the green tea and she told me it suppresses my appetite which I of course knew but she saw that I drank it anyway. Oh well I'd rather her see that then hear me purge. My goal is to stay under 400 calories today.

I ate 1900 calories yesterday!!!!! :'( *sobbing hysterically* not a single crumb will enter my mouth for the next 24 hours!

Inside my head during a binge

<p>Had a pretty good day yesterday until around 8 when a special friend turned around and exploded on me out of nowhere. I started eating..it wasn't like <i>"she made me upset so I'm going to eat" </i>it was more like </p>
<p><i>"oh French toast..yumm mmm yeah I'm so glad I'm eating this so sweet and delicious..what else is in the fridge mmm cheese I can't eat cheese but I can't eat white bread either so I might as well. Mmm gigantic corn muffin I already had 1/2 earlier..I know the whole thing is 520 calories altogether and ugh its corn. They feed that to the cows and chickens to fattening them up. Oh well guess I'll just do it now I already broke 2 rules might as well end with a bang."</i> </p>
<p>All while making a program call..I don't think I was listening..</p>
<p>Actually it started with a bowl of cherrios but if I would have just stopped then I would have been fine because I didn't have breakfast so it was ok. I don't know what stopped me but I  got on an EDA meeting and got to bed at around 1am</p>

<p>This morning I was graciously awoken by my dearest grandmother making hot chocolate she woke up my poor sister too but of course she was all over that hot chocolate. I was so pissed because I know that at 5:30am I'm between sleep cycles and I won't go back to sleep. I put on Pandora on my Celtic Woman station but obvs I'm still awake. Err what a lovely start to a wonderful day</p>

Somewhere in the middle

I don't want to purge but I can't have that food in me. So I just won't eat anything until I get my hands on some healthy food. *sigh* My ED loves it but I really, really do hate being hungry

Asking the wrong questions in the wrong place at the wrong time.

You're just wrong wrong wrong. You are an idiot. How dare you go into a recovery chat and ask that. Were you trying to be an ass?? Buh-cause seriously you don't even need to try. You are so stupid. What is wrong with you you big fat dummy? I hate you.

Bright Outlook for tomorrow :/ [sarcasm]

I'm at my grandparents' and they want to fatten me up. What is with grandparents, why do they make you eat so much? And JUNK! It's 10:00 at night and they want to order a pizza and feed me cherry cheesecake *sigh* I'm not going to be able to resist. I feel a purge coming on. I'm done eating for today but tomorrow is gonna be bad.

Going Crazy Crunching Numbers

Welcome to the logical/mathematical part of my brain, I don't use it very often but I think because I had to do some practice exercises for Math yesterday - adding and multiplying big numbers, it sorta activated the part of my brain that loves numbers..I hate math but part of my brain LOVES numbers, go figure..

I'm trying to decide how much weight I really need to lose. So I looked up some stuff about body fat and this is what I found:

Right now I weigh 148 pounds. I am 26% body fat, which leaves me with 109 pounds of lean body mass. My ideal body fat percentage is 21% so I need to figure out what weight is equal to 109 pounds of body plus 21% fat.

X - .21X = 109lbs

X(ideal weight) = 138 (and to that I say WOW because I wanted to be like 120/130)

Sooo, that being said, I need to lose about 10-12 pounds. I think a healthy rate is 2 pounds a week for 6 weeks. To do so I need to eat 1362 calories a day and eat back my exercise calories. [already calculated how many calories I burn in a day, subtracted 1000 (3500 per pound/7days a week=500/day x 2)]

Lost yet? Good! Now you know the insanity that goes through my head!

So here are my food options:

Veggies: Any and all varies and quantities (except corn which is not a veggie it is an imposter!! I dont know why God made it and I am so sorry for the cows and chickens who were created to eat grass and bugs and are forced to eat that poison =( ) and yess tomatoes and carrots are fine even though they are somewhat high in sugar they are not as bad as corn as they provide other healthy stuff my body needs.

Fruits: Any and all varieties but limited quantities

Dairy: Milk or yogurt one or less times a day (no cheese, working on cutting dairy all together but I can't let go of milk or yogurt yet)

Meats: Any white meat inc. Nuts/seeds, eggs, fish and tofu and other substitutes, limited red meat

Fat: Non-hydrogenated, saturated, or trans fat, so basically avocado, olives, plant oils..

Grains: Preferably whole grains, 3 servings a day (no more then 1 serving of white flour/rice)




Sources Cited:
Activity Calculator
Body Fat Calculator
Zone Diet

Sponsor Call

Ok, so Ms. Marie moved and my OA sponsor left me, I guess things just weren't working out...so I really need a sponsor now..before I just wanted one in EDA but now I don't have anyone besides a ton of Buddies (thank you guys!) I feel like I'm going to crash soon. I hate all this instability I cant wait till the fall when my life will be balanced again (hopefully) at least I'll have less traveling back and forth from the rents' houses and I'll be busy with work and school work and gymnastics (hopefully) and cheer coaching..I'll have more responsibilities but that means I'll spend less time in my head and more time keeping myself busy and active. Also hopefully by then I'll lose my 20 pounds. I hate being fat, but I hate ED so I really need some professional support or experience from someone else who has had some because I want to do this the healthy way. I don't want to starve and purge and binge secretly but it's all I know how to do.

Personality..?

I took a personality test on PersonalDNA and found out I'm an attentive designer. Not how I would describe myself on my own but it very much describes me.. I'm trying to think how I can best use this in my job/career choice.. I don't really wanna be an artist/designer at all... idk suggestions welcome

Mom's v. Dad's

Yesterday I had an amazing day. I woke up around 9 and went shopping. Spent almost all my birthday money on stuff I needed. Then went to the gym with Tianna and had a really nice workout and a really nice salad after. Then I went to Radioshack to exchange my phone (which didn't happen unfortunately) and met the lady who was soo excited for my 18th birthday, got 2 big hugs from her lol a bit awkward but still nice. Then I went to my aunts house and laid by her pool and got a pretty decent tan..ok its a sunburn but any color is good! After that dad brought me home, on the way we got a yummy dinner of cheese burger hot dogs and soda. Came home..ugghh not so great..did some chores hung out on the computer.. Oh! Talked to Little Rob. He's coming out here in the 19th yay! I'm so excited. Rob is my childhood friend. We used to be neighbors but he moved to CA with his mom a few years ago and I look forward to seeing him in the summer when he comes to visit his dad.

Anyway then night time came and I heard mom talking to dad about the phone situation. I dont see what her deal is. She's making it seem like I lied or was being sneaky or something. I got my phone taken away a year ago. You car ground ne for life. I think its ok to ask my dad for one since you obviously think I'm some awful demon child that doesn't deserve a phone or anything I ever want. I also heard her tell him that I still talk to Matthew which is a complete and utter lie which I have no idea why she is saying that. I felt horrible hearing her talk about me like that and so I went into the closet to be alone. I like it in there, it's quiet, small.. just comforting. And she comes in and says ok I'll turn the light off and close the door..she didn't see me. So I just sat there in the dark and cried and thought and cried and slept a little then when I woke up I couldn't fall back to sleep,sleep so I exercised a bit then gave myself a mani-pedi and went to bed around 2am. *sigh* what a day.

I hate being here. I hate this whole house. The one thing I like is the healthy food and Christian influence. That being said. I can't wait to move in with dad.

Matthew, I miss you.

The game plan

I did it again. "Help me, help me, help me!! Oh well, I'm gonna do it anyway." I think I like this plan, eat a good breakfast restrict for lunch and purge dinner.

Burrnn!

Haven't worked out in 3 days. Ugghh Fatty Mcfat-fat

I feel so empowered when I deny myself food. Hunger = self control

One fish, two fish..

Fifty-five Goldfish. One. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Two. 1 2 3.....

Not yet

I ate my breakfast and kept it down. Sat through the pain of wanting to purge. I know I *can* do this I just don't want to. I don't want to do it for my parents or for Marie or for Rhonda or Sarah or Richelle. FOR ME!

Pre-meditated insanity

I think this is the first time in a long time I've eaten a meal with the intention of purging it. Eating really fast, drinking lots of water, eating all of one food at a time so it comes up in layers so I know when I'm empty..

I discovered something else about my ED today. I want recovery pretty bad but I'm not willing to do what ever it takes. I haven't reached a bottom. I'm not recovering for me. I haven't decided for me that I want to stop. I was forced into counseling and then scared of treatment, so I cleaned up the outside so they will all think I'm ok. I didn't think about it like that or plan it out it just kinda happened. Now I'm doing the opposite, reaching out to people and letting them know "I AM NOT OK!" and no ones listening or maybe I'm just going to the wrong people. Go figure. Story of my life. So I feel like I have to act out so people will know and because I want to reach my bottom so I can start recovery.

Family

I'm at a picnic with my step moms family and it is so awkward. They are very Spanish. And they are not diet friendly, not that most picnics are but like even not at picnics..like no one has diet soda and they think I'm crazy or weird because I want one. I just ate like a pig and purged I couldn't take the ridicule and pressure from everyone. Why can't I just be skinny?? No one ridicules you for being fat. Well ya know..they probably do. They probably envy me and make fun of me because they're insecure about theirself.. well this post has been insightful for me.

Then they brought out a cake for me and told me the Mexican tradition is to bite the cake..I cannot believe I fell for that. Face meet cake. Purged that too. :( ugghh

Why?!!

A friend of mine told me not to ask myself that, just a accept whatever is happening for it is, don't try to analyze it. In this case, I have an eating disorder and I crave attention this is how I've learned to cope with my life and my stresses. Does it work for me? Yeah, I 'spose but is my life unmanageable because of it? Yes, very much so, that's step 1. Believing, admitting and accepting who I am, where I am and being willing to move forward and learn a new way of life. Step 2 here I come!

I'd like to introduce you all to LMW *Applause*

I've been reading other peoples blogs and I am soo jealous. i hate that I don't have as much self control as they do. I want to be thin. I want to be hospitalized. I want to be abused. Why does my life have to be so plain and good I don't deserve this life. I want to have a reason for all this and all I can come up with is that I'm bored and lonely?? Come on now I'm so pathetic! What is wrong with me gosh. I am seriously a horrible person. ugghh I wishh I could purge right now! I wish was thin I wish I had a real eating disorder! Ugghh I'm so sick..no I'm not sick I'm plain pattetic that's all. I hate my stupid life!!

Birthday blues

Wow 18, crazinesss! I can't believe it. I've grown up so fast lol It didn't even hit me till I was writing a note to my best friend at her graduation party yesterday. We're growing up. We're adults now. I've been through so much and there's so much more to come. Scary. I miss being little. When people took care of me. Didn't expect anything from me. Gushed over how cute I was..Well they still do that lol

The thing I miss the most though is not needing to force people to give me what I want or need. I'm sure I was always a manipulator. I look at my little sister and other kids and think wow I probably used to be like that too..I didn't realize it started so young. And I'm not talking about regular temper tantrums either I mean like "don't you think I'm pretty?" And things like that. I think the reason I am the way I am is because of how my parents raised me. They always gave (still do give) me what I want and so now, when I don't get what I want I make them give it to me or find another way to get it. I guess its kinda a survival mechanism.. idk

I just discovered that that's all my ED is. I mean I've kinda suspected it but I was finally able to voice it the other day in an EDA meeting. I use my ED to get attention. There I've said it again. My ED is my conversation starter. Something I can bring to people so they will either feel bad for me, help me, relate to me and/or just talk about with me. I get bored and lonely and so I start panicing and do something stupid with food like binge or purge or both or if I'm being lazy I'll just text someone and tell them that I'm freaking out and I feel like doing it and have them try and stop me. Which sometimes I end up doing it anyways. I get the attention I'm looking for and I still get to weigh myself 600 times a day or binge on sweet treats or purge all my dinner or skip breakfast or work out in my room for 3 hours...

I'm so stuck between whether or not I think this is a real eating disorder but then when I say that I feel like I'm in denial..I mean I dont treat food like normal people do but I created this myself, I choose to do these behaviors to get attention. Ugh idk so confused I can't wait till I get a new counselor or talk to my old counselor again. I miss her and I feel very lost and alone without her (gosh here goes the water works..)

Starting from the beginning..

Just a bit about my ED and where it started and where I am now.. (btw this is not the LMW talking, I am sane right now)

Well my journey with eating disorders started when I was about 12, when I started puberty and started actually noticing my body. I felt like all my friends were prettier and skinnier then me. But even though I thought those things I didn't really give it much energy at the time. I started home schooling that year and was in a cooking class at one family's house and each week was a different theme and everyone helped cooked these huugee meals kinda like this.


At one of these classes, I don't remember exactly how I was feeling or where I even got the idea, but I was over stuffed and we hadn't even had dessert yet and so I and went to the bathroom and purged for the first time. And I felt great, I thought man this is so easy I can eat whatever I want, all I have to do is throw up and there will be more room for more food. I started to get obsessive about it I would eat food just because I wanted to purge. It's weird but I really enjoyed it.


The next summer I turned 13 and I was soo excited to show my friends Bianca and Jessie my new bathing suit at a sleep over. It was a one piece modest neckline but I thought it was really cute. Well Jessie comes back with " That's yours? That looks like it would fit your mom! Bahahaha!" I still have that bathing suit and I detest it to this day because it reminds me of that night when they laughed at me and said my bathing suit was big (it's big on me now so that shows how big I was as at the time..Not humongously fat but chunkyish and very unhappy about it.) I also feel I should add how awful it felt to be a big cheerleader I was tall and thick and always lifting people I was never on top, in front...I absolutely loved cheerleading though; it was and still is my favorite thing ever.

(November 2006)

So after that different things had come up and I have them all journaled and remember them crystal clearly but from then on I decided I needed to lose weight. I needed to do something. I couldn't keep eating all this food- that's what making me fat. So I tried to stop eating but I would only make it like a day or so before I started binging again and when I binged I purged. then I got tired of that saw that people were started to notice when I didn't eat so I just ate "normally" and when the restricting stopped, the binging stopped but I still hated how fat I was and wanted to lose weight so I would purge everything I ate. Sometimes, when I was angry or sad or overwhelmed, I would go back to eating something so that I could purge it, to sort of relieve the stress and feel in control again. And that's how my life pretty much went for about 3 years. When I was 16 I decided that I needed to stop. I knew it wasn't healthy and it just wasn't working- I wasn't losing any weight I stayed between 160 and 170 pounds all three years.

(January 2009)

At that time, I started reaching out to Women in my church and they all told me to go to my mom which was soo frustrating because my relationship with my mom wasn't and still isn't that great which I think came from the distance I put between us with the eating habits. Its such a dark secretive thing that the more you get into it, the more self-seeking you become, the further away you get from other people even the people that are closest to you. Physically and Emotionally. I'm home schooled, I'm with her all day every day! and she IS my mom that's what she's there for. But I never did. She found out from one of the women who eventually told her. She started talking to me about it and when ever we had those talks I would freeze up and not say a word and she would get soo frustrated but I just couldn't muster a single sound. Our talks always ended with me in tears and her totally fed up.



In March she decided that I would go see a counselor. I made great progress and within 5 months I had pretty much ditched all the ED behavior. July 15, 2010 was the last day I purged. I thought I was healed. Boy was I wrong. In January 2011 the thoughts started coming back. I held dearly onto my 6 months, 7 months.. I started reaching out to people and discovered Overeaters Anonymous (OA) but the more I focused on the problem the worse it got. I started binging and restricting only to find myself binging again. A friend from OA suggested Eating Disorders Anonymous (EDA).


I was so excited to be around people who really understood what I was going through. OA helped a lot but I really connected with the people from EDA. But again I found myself engaging even more in my eating behaviors to the point of complete relapse. on June 26, 2011 I broke my 11 1/2 month no-purging streak and that set me off. I've now been restricting and purging all week and I'm still deciding what I want to do for the rest of my life. I'm here again I have to choice again.. I can choose to continue in my disordered eating habits and get super skinny and sick.. or I can choose to pull myself out of this hole and start again. Start working towards a happy healthy life, free from the food prison, where I will be able to eat with out thinking about how many calories are in something, or eat a normal sized meal 3 times a day and not go all out and binge just because I *feel* a little hungry, or starve myself because I *feel* a little fat. Abstinence for me is when I abstain from eating or not eating compulsively. I keep hearing progress not perfection and I think, yeah yeah whatever imperfection is not abstinence. But really you cant get weeks, months or years without one day. Soo that's where I am right now. Balance, progression, stability and serenity are my goals. Not eating a certain way, or staying away from certain foods or getting to a certain weight. I'm working the 12 steps and growing closer to God and He's gonna get me through this.